Three weeks ago, I pulled up a blank page to start writing here. I remember that I started by writing, “I’ve been avoiding looking at this space.” Three weeks later, it’s still true.
In my mind, I’m still writing here, or not much time has passed, or not much has happened. In fact five months have passed, and I’ve gotten married, and written a lot, tested myself, traveled for a month, and generally lived life.
When I started this blog five (FIVE!) years ago, I felt such a pull to write, but didn’t know how to make myself do it. I struggled to write in a notebook, struggled and struggled, until wild writing would fly out of me and I’d throw the notebook away. It was such an accomplishment when I finished a notebook.
These days, I’m writing. I’m writing every morning, 30 minutes, sometimes an hour. I’m writing in the flimsy Moleskine cahier notebooks, finishing them in a month or less. I’m almost afraid to say it, because I don’t want to lose it. When you’ve spent years trying to tap into this stream, it feels quite precious--and what if it’s fleeting?
I started this blog to make myself write, and now I’m figuring out what else I can do here. As I have been all along. So much of life is constant adjustment. As soon as you find something that works, suddenly it doesn’t work anymore. Living means being flexible, building new systems each day, finding new ways each day. Life is one season after another after another. The life I’m living in now is so vastly different from my life even one year ago, there’s been a lot of this figuring out.
So you (if you’re there)--can you indulge me? I’ll promise to come back here, and while I’m here, I’ll figure out what I’m doing here. Once a week, at least. I’ll make sense of what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I’m full of ideas right now. So many ideas, so many starts, hot fire and flashing and wild eyes. I’m moving down the path, whatever it is, wherever it leads.
Tonight, I’m going to rest in this ambiguous and ridiculous place, big talk, short sentences, who knows what I’m saying or what I mean? I’m here, now. I’m writing these words, now. It’s a connection, a line straight through my body, my fingers, my eyes, and straight into you.
