When you're writing for a blog, or writing in general, it can be lonely. You're writing for other people to read, but you aren't there when they read it, so it feels very far away. There's a large disconnect in this grasping attempt at connection.
I can't give you something whole tonight. Can I give you the fragments I have?
I was thinking this weekend, I haven't written on the blog in awhile. Then I opened it to discover I haven't written in over two weeks. I am sorry, but my brain had to be devoted to other things. And you'll be happy to know I was writing, just not here.
Don't stop to think now. Don't stop to think about your failures or shortcomings. Don't stop to think. The moment I roll back on my haunches and raise my eyes to the ceiling, the moment I say to myself: What should I write next? then it's too late.
I have been thinking lately about the urge to structure and control time. I suffer at the mercy of this urge often, although I'm getting better at letting myself relax. Still, it takes a conscious effort. On a late Sunday afternoon, I'll start to feel a bit frantic and stressed and then I'll remind myself: You don't have to do anything.
Don't stop now. Don't stop to think.
I don't know what to tell you. The censor in my head is wild and ruthless.
There are strange ways, in life, that we are forced to abandon those controlling urges. Having a baby. Losing your job. Falling in love. Nature creates her storms and our plans will only do so much. It's easy for me to tell you this, less easy for me to practice such openness and freedom in real life.
I tend to write very abstractly. It feels sometimes very loose and slippery, like there's nothing to hold on to. I can't tell you why I write that way, but I think it makes me feel a bit less vulnerable. The more abstract I can be, the more I can qualify each thing I say, the less I am showing of myself and my true colors.
The power of words to reveal self - it is a frightening thing; it is a necessary thing.
The space between the desire to create and actually creating is vast.
***
I wrote down in my notebook months ago that I was going to apply for a scholarship to take a course at Grub Street. The deadline was last Wednesday. I put it off again and again until Tuesday night was upon me. I didn't feel like doing it, I didn't think I'd finish it, I thought it was a waste of time. But I hustled along and cranked something out, emailing it off a few hours before the deadline. And then this happened: I got the scholarship.
It's small potatoes. It's a small scholarship to take a course. But it's big potatoes when it comes to motivation and inspiration and empowerment. It's a good lesson to learn, perhaps cliche, but often difficult to remember: If you don't try, it will never happen.
Lots of people are giving up. Lots of people aren't doing what they want to be doing. If you're one of the few who's showing up, if you are trying - I have faith that you'll make something of it, whatever it is for you.
Don't forget what success might mean. It might mean money and fame. Or it might mean a life fulfilled, doing that one thing that you long to do.
***
As I said, I can't give you a whole tonight. I often write here, thinking that I'm writing on some theme or idea. I imagine that's what blog posts are supposed to be like, right?
But maybe you readers are here for some other reason. I don't know what that reason might be, or who you are, or what you're looking for. But all I can do is give what I have. It might be what you needed after all.
No comments:
Post a Comment