quite right.

I know, it's been awhile. Actually, it's been awhile for awhile. I would like to apologize, but I would also like to say that it's been necessary, or at least I think so. Things here were feeling stale to me. I've grown tired of saying the same thing same thing same thing. It's started feeling a bit whiny, at least in my own ears.

So for these two weeks, I have been running my brain over and over the whole lot and searching for something - a new direction, a new sense of purpose, a new "why" as in why I am writing here and why you might be reading here. No matter the gaps and the absences, I came here as a way to hold myself accountable. And for the most part, it has worked. It would be quite a shame to give up now. I believe, somewhere in me, that I have reached the giving-up-moment, that is the moment when everyone wants to quit. And I believe that the difference between success and failure is getting through this moment and to the other side.

I still don't know quite where to take things, but can I ask you to stick it out?

I have been writing this post for days because I don't know what to say. I don't think anything has resolved itself in my head. I think I might be a fool sometimes for hoping to resolve my thoughts and my purpose and myself. In fact, that might be the thing that paralyzes me most.

Have you ever had a big, stretching, yawning weekend with nothing to do but make a pot of soup and write and somehow all you did was make the pot of soup and didn't write, not one single word? I have. But enough of that.

I'm trying to say, really, that I feel tired of writing about writing. I also feel something of a hypocrite, because I'm just a baby in the world. What do I know? I mean really what do I know? So I would like to come here and just get the big waters a-roiling. More about life and creative thoughts, less about writing and process. Maybe just for now, maybe only for awhile, I don't know. Growing is changing, or vice versa, I think.

It feels good to be out with it. Rules are helpful sometimes and structure is good, but sometimes it pins you down and instead of working with it, you spend all your energy squirming. That's no good at all.

Something of life now is this:
The only time I can calm my thoughts is when I cook. I am a serious thinker and spend a good deal of time (perhaps too much?) deep inside my own head. I've meditated, I've done yoga, I've run, I've taken long walks. All of these things, when you are supposed to calm your mind down and be peaceful, these times just get my brain-engine going. I think I particularly failed at a certain meditation class a few months ago because, instead of emptying my mind, I took it as a perfect opportunity to sit and think.

Thinking is good and I do it a lot and I need time to think so that I can feel like a sane and whole person. But everyone, certainly everyone, needs some time to calm the buzzing. And for me, the time is when I am cooking.

Tuesday, after a long day, my eyes hurt. My hair was frizzy and stuck to my face after walking in the rain. So I walked in my front door at 10pm, set down my bag, and fried two eggs over easy. When they were almost done, I put one piece of crusty sourdough bread into the skillet until it was warm. Then, in very dim light, I sat at my table and ate the warm bread and eggs. I wasn't hungry exactly and I don't normally like to eat so late ate night. But it wasn't a calculated, thought-out meal - I just followed my instinct. And my instinct was quite right.