when I'm walking.

It snowed here yesterday, rain mixed with big, fluffy snowflakes. Today the temperature dipped into the 20s, so every tree branch is still coated. The powerful radiators in our building run sporadically, so the temperature in our apartment (completely out of our control) dips between quite cold and quite warm all day long.

Yesterday morning, when I woke up to the gray, slushy day, I found myself strangely sentimental for Washington, DC. I loved the walks on Capitol Hill, walking down to Eastern Market or to H Street on a Saturday morning. Especially when the weather was cold and wet.

I started walking when I lived outside of Boston. I lived a mile and a half from work, was very poor, afraid to bike in the city, and couldn’t afford to park or ride the bus every day. So I got into the habit of walking to work, regardless of the weather. It took me 30 minutes. I can call back the world of those walks instantly - the people I would see, the intersections, where I’d cross the road, the sushi shop I’d look into every day without stopping. I would always listen to music on those walks, though I remember one traumatic morning when I got out the door and realized that I had accidentally deleted the music from my iPod.

When I moved to DC, once we were in the city, I started walking again. The office was one mile away, for a few months, and then it moved another mile further. The two mile walk took 40 minutes. Eventually I started biking most days, but the walk was so centering that I’d still do it sometimes. I got out of the habit of listening to anything. I’d just walk and look around and think.

meditation.

For the last month or so, I’ve been meditating. I’ve been wanting to start meditating for years - I even took a class at one point. But it’s been a hell of a thing for me to make into a habit. I have an anxious and productivity fueled brain, and the act of sitting quietly and doing nothing doesn’t come easily. But over the last few weeks, I’ve managed to hit a stride. With any habit, the more momentum you build, the easier it is to keep going. The more you break down the initial I don’t want to feeling, the less that feeling rises up.

Anyway, it’s a tiny thing. I meditate 5 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes at night. I sit on the floor or in a chair. I focus on breathing in and out. I try to relax my muscles one by one. When I started doing this last month, the internal resistance was unreal. I would sit down, the little faux bell on my phone would ding, and I would immediately be filled with restless angst and annoyance and, sometimes, anger. Where did it come from? I don’t know. All I know is that I would suddenly be filled and overflowing with thoughts of this is stupid and ohmygod how long will these 5 minutes last? and I can’t sit here anymore.

First up, I realized pretty quickly that my shallow breathing habit wouldn’t cut it while trying to meditate. Actually, I realized I had a shallow breathing habit, which I don’t think I understood before. So I’ve been practicing this a lot, breathing deep into my belly. Which lead me to the discovery that, like most of my body, my core tends to be super tensed up all the time. So just learning how to relax that and actually be able to take deep breaths has been pretty groundbreaking for me. And now, after a few weeks, the wild and crazy angry feelings are starting to melt away a little. I actually look forward to sitting. The bell rings and I can let go of my resistance, or at least some of it.

So that’s something I’ve been up to lately.

It’s raining and cold and dark here. Bran muffins in the oven. Podcast on the iPhone. And tonight I’m writing.

having fun.

I’ve been thinking about something a friend told me last weekend, something her mother says. Fun is a new thing. We were talking about how we answer the question, What do you do for fun? We live in a time, place, generation, socio-economic status, etc. that makes room for that question.

I get bogged down in the philosophical questions of life. I mean, I get bogged. down. What do I do for fun? What is fun? What is the purpose of fun? What is the PURPOSE OF LIFE? Etc. Suffice it to say, I never know how to answer the question, What do you do for fun? I write, and though I’m trying to embrace some of Elizabeth Gilbert’s big magic, it still seems like a stretch to call writing fun. I read. I run (although not lately) (and it’s more the idea of running is fun than the actual running). Like every freaking person my age, I watch TV sometimes via Netflix and Hulu and Amazon and HBO. I cook and think about food. I go for walks.

It all feels pretty generic and vague to me. I’ve been having this urge lately to develop real, actual hobbies. I’ve spent the last 6 months working on my professional bio, but I don’t have a personal bio, and I don’t even know what it would say. I want to have specific interests, things I get really jazzed about, things I want to talk and talk about. Or maybe I already have them, but they’re not clearly defined in my own mind and I don’t own them as me.

distracting.

This is starting with me, standing in the middle of my apartment, saying outloud to myself, GURL stop your fucking around!

I finished all of my work by 5pm today, which isn't usual. I used to feel like I couldn’t work in libraries and coffee shops - I thought they were too distracting for me. But I've been diligently working in them the past few weeks, and it turns out that the opposite is true. When I sit myself down in a coffee shop and tell myself I’m working there until X time, I get a lot done.

We’re heading up to Wisconsin for the weekend, as soon as J gets home. Everything is done on my to do list, I washed the dishes, I packed a bag, and then I started pacing around looking for more THINGS I NEED TO DO. All the while ignoring that one last little thing on my to do list: write a blog post.

Anyway, I’m here here here.

I’m working on things lately like sitting up straight, getting my shoulders that are jammed up to my ears to relax, meditating, belly breathing. It’s hard to figure out how to make my body and my brain relax when they need to.

I picked up a used copy of one of Marcella Hazan’s cookbooks this week and read it on the couch last night. I know about her because of her tomato sauce and her smothered cabbage. It’s a good book to look through when winter is coming (ugh, I wish I and everyone else would stop saying that……….but I can’t). Anyway, I love being reminded how food and eating it can be full of rituals. I love having a way of doing things, something specific to who you are, however you define that. And I love simple food cooked with lots of good butter.

belated.

In my mind, I still think we just moved. Life feels strange, like I’m in many places all at once. Truthfully, the last two months have felt like a lot of stress and a lot of everything has changed. I’ve let my stress level creep up higher and higher, and now I’m treading water in a place that’s a little too deep.

So I started writing my birthday list nearly a month ago, adding bit by bit, thinking about what I’ve done in the last year. But I dragged my feet in putting it up here. This one feels both monumental, but also…...not. I think, this is a big deal, and also I think, I feel the same. As of last Wednesday, I’m living in a new decade.

Last year looked like:

1. run another half marathon
2. plan personal, creative projects
3. fill a notebook (try several notebooks!)
4. streamline and actually implement workflow processing *productivity nerd alert*
5. start making homemade snacks every week
6. grocery shopping → bike (with some spankin’ new panniers!) (until a pannier got stolen, wah) 
7. participate in one bike activity (volunteer, hang out, ride, class, etc.)
8. plan a spring-time adventure trip with Jacob (maybe probably here?) (Istanbul! Prague!)
9. stop comparing myself to everyone else
10. read more fiction (goal: five novels) (somehow I only read one. sheesh!)
11. build a bike-friendly (minimalist) wardrobe
12. more cooking on the weekends/less cooking on weekdays
13. make at least one pie each month
14. can something (jam, tomatoes, apples, etc.)
15. continue buying investment clothing
16. watch a few classic films (that I haven’t seen)
17. complain less
18. grow more plants (to eat & to enjoy)
19. sew or knit ONE THING to put on my body
20. give natural deodorant the college try
21. write letter(s) one day each month (just one!)
22. create a meal-planning system and stick to it (this is my current inspiration)
23. BE DEBT-FREE
24. make this other blog into a thing I like/love/enjoy (or just delete it and turn it into a personal bizness website. HA!)
25. sew a set of cloth napkins + a tablecloth
26. really really really get rid of plastic ziplock bags (and plastic takeout containers)
27. listen to one book on tape
28. be kinder to + less critical of everyone around me (esp. the ones that I love)
29. be confident