push along.

It is a true thing: sometimes it doesn't really get easier. There are things that tug and pull at you, your emotions, your thoughts, and they just aren't going to go away. Do you know what I mean?

For me, it's smoking. I am slowly and calmly (sort of) trying to accept the fact that I will always want to smoke. Just over six months in the clear, but I still get the jealous, violent pang each time I see someone smoking. I will get better at ignoring the voices in my head, the ones that scream, It's raining, I'm tired, I have a headache, I feel emotional and I need to smoke.

And I will get better at pushing myself along. Towards goals, towards creative growth, towards greater empathy and love. One of the amazing and accidental purposes that this blog now has is this: on the days like today, when I'd rather gnaw off my own fingers than write, I can still say to myself, Just write something for the blog. As soon as I get that out, the spark is alive again and I can keep going. Thank you, internet gods, for that.

***

I organize my thoughts and snippets of writing into Gmail drafts. It's very weird and neurotic. The drafts all have titles like pies to bake. and thoughts on humanism. and 19oct2011. and 5dec2011. Well, among those drafts is one titled more. This draft has little chunks of inspiration and writing and lists collected over months. I regularly copy and paste things into this stupid draft and copy things out and read through it to remember things I've forgotten.

Well, somewhere in the middle of this novel length email draft, I found this piece:

17oct2011. I have been writing on the blog for one month. I have kept my bargain, kept myself accountable. Seeing it out there gives me the push to keep going. I know (and I have always known in some way) that I need to write for sanity and peace. It is the only way I know of to deal with life, fear, doubt, passion, thought. Every part of me craves the details, the questions, the connection. I live for the moment when you read a few words and feel less alone. I don't care what becomes of it. Maybe something great, maybe nothing at all. All I know is this: I will be a better person if I keep writing, writing hard, writing with the devil at my heels.

***

This was my to do list today:

1. writing
2. buy coffee filters and Elf
3. read book

And that's all. It's a good list, no? Sometimes I make life too complicated - really, it's not.