just here.

Something I love about the essay is the way that it can wind through a million different seemingly unrelated topics, then you get to the end and there's a click in your head and it all connects into one big picture. I love that. I think it's very relevant to way we live our lives. I think it's an important way to stir up observation, which is critical to empathy, which is critical to creating the world we want to live in. But sometimes I try hard to contrive it. I try to jam the thread through the needle and the organic unfolding is lost. In fact, sometimes it paralyzes me. I lose sight of the fact that I can write about just one thing and that can be enough.

So let me tell you something about myself: I have a never-ending need for control. This causes some good things in my life: I don't miss deadlines, I pay my bills on time, I never lose my keys or my wallet. It also causes some bad things: I forget how to relax, I demand that others meet my standards and do things my way, I feel stress over things that shouldn't really matter. I have been thinking about it a lot lately. My control tendencies fire up when my life feels most overwhelming, when there are lots of changes, when I am sometimes at the mercy of others' decisions or actions. The fact is that I've been been grabbing for control left and right lately, and my controlling tendencies have gotten....out of control.

Please tell me that made you chuckle.

I'm always swimming in resolutions, too many, which is a surefire way to fail at every one of them. But I believe this one is worth some effort, because I think my hunger for control is at the root of other things I may wish to change in my life. I often take myself too seriously and lose sight of the things that matter most. This isn't confession-time, or I don't mean it to be. This is just the thing on my mind, and it's just one thing, and it's about life, and I'm writing about it.

Last weekend, I saw two beautiful things.

The H Street festival in DC was a crazy mess of people and music and smoke and food and dogs and strollers. I was only there for a few minutes, but it was so alive. It felt like a true celebration of community. 

Also, Bon Iver played a show nearby, and it was mind-blowing, in the way that gets more mind-blowing every time you have a flashback. It was at this lovely spot north of DC, out on a lawn, where you can spread out your blanket and eat some snacks and just take it in. The band played a couple of songs that made my heart feel like it might explode before the end. They played a wild intro to Blood Bank that gave the song an entirely new shape. And a lovely drunken man behind us yelled some variation of I love you Justin after every song, and even in the lulls of the most moving songs.

I love witnessing an artist who is really in it for the art and the audience, not for the flashy big money and lifestyle perks. You really can see that integrity in someone's face and hear it in their voice.

Jacob and I were talking this weekend about whether you need to be a good person to make good art. I said no, but the integrity and values of an artist must define what sort of art they are making. Well it's a nonsense big question that might be worth turning over in your head but probably not worth fighting for a tangible answer. As John Cage put it: No why. Just here.

And there's the ticket. To control anything, you must always be thinking about the future or reliving the past. When you're just here, you can just be.