success.

I can’t seem to settle on anything. When I write little bits, and delete, and write, and delete, and think, and think, etc. I tend to get lost at sea. The task (writing) seems to grow larger and larger and the importance more and more grave. Suddenly I find myself here, making lists about what kind of blog this is and imagining how I might totally change or totally scrap the whole thing. At least I usually recognize and reign in my crazylady brain when it comes around. Well, I try to.

I desperately want to classify the whole thing and give it some order. Much in the same way that I want to line up the deodorant and hand lotion and mouthwash into a neat row on the shelf. It’s a ridiculous thing. The world moves along just fine if my toiletries are in disorder and I can write big and unwieldy even without a schedule or tidy purpose.

I re-read the first post I wrote here to remind myself: the point is to write. It doesn’t have to be all bloggy and beautiful and attract one million readers. I don’t need to write features on a particular schedule about particular things. Some people do, but right now, I do not. The point for me is to write. I write about things I notice, things I think about, things I read or eat or listen to. That’s all.

For just over a month, I have been biking to work. It’s been a wild adventure. I’ve never biked so much in my life. In the deep dead of winter, it’s cold and it seems many, many cars want to run me over.

It was cold this morning - not too cold, but cold enough that my eyes stung and I shivered the first few blocks. I’ve been running a lot lately and my knee has been achy the past few days. So somewhere around 11th and Mass Ave, I decided to just be aware. Aware of the cold and aware of the pain. That was it.

I am not particularly good at meditating, but riding a bike to work every morning has uncovered some sort of presence for me. I become intensely focused on everything around me: car doors opening and closing, brakelights and turn signals, dogs and people in crosswalks, broken branches on the road, sun in my eyes, wind, my finger, my toes. That intense focus snaps me right into the moment. I don’t think of what’s waiting at work or what I left behind at home. I didn’t realize it until this morning, when I found myself very wisely remembering to quiet down with annoyance and wake up with awareness. I am grateful for that.

I never did list off my resolutions for this new year. I did some deep thinking about priorities and sort of incorporated some resolutions into that. I decided to let myself have more tangible resolutions instead of my usual love more, be kinder, be more aware, etc. But let me just share my list.

1. Send one letter a week
2. Try a morning yoga class
3. Do 10 minutes of freewriting each day
4. Write a blog post 3 times/week
5. Work on at least one creative project/month (other than writing)
6. Start a gratitude and memory project with Jake
7. Create an inspiration space

When I quit smoking, I printed off a giant calendar and pasted it to my wall. Each day I didn’t smoke, I put a big X on the calendar. Somehow it worked - the visual reminder kept me motivated. So this year, I’m trying it with freewriting, just to help in forming the habit. I’ll let you know how it goes.

Anyway, I’ll do my best to expect success. If I don’t, I’ll only be my own worst enemy.

(Hey, I'm WRITING! See? Success.)