This is starting with me, standing in the middle of my apartment, saying outloud to myself, GURL stop your fucking around!
I finished all of my work by 5pm today, which isn't usual. I used to feel like I couldn’t work in libraries and coffee shops - I thought they were too distracting for me. But I've been diligently working in them the past few weeks, and it turns out that the opposite is true. When I sit myself down in a coffee shop and tell myself I’m working there until X time, I get a lot done.
We’re heading up to Wisconsin for the weekend, as soon as J gets home. Everything is done on my to do list, I washed the dishes, I packed a bag, and then I started pacing around looking for more THINGS I NEED TO DO. All the while ignoring that one last little thing on my to do list: write a blog post.
Anyway, I’m here here here.
I’m working on things lately like sitting up straight, getting my shoulders that are jammed up to my ears to relax, meditating, belly breathing. It’s hard to figure out how to make my body and my brain relax when they need to.
I picked up a used copy of one of Marcella Hazan’s cookbooks this week and read it on the couch last night. I know about her because of her tomato sauce and her smothered cabbage. It’s a good book to look through when winter is coming (ugh, I wish I and everyone else would stop saying that……….but I can’t). Anyway, I love being reminded how food and eating it can be full of rituals. I love having a way of doing things, something specific to who you are, however you define that. And I love simple food cooked with lots of good butter.
Friday, October 16, 2015
Thursday, October 1, 2015
belated.
In my mind, I still think we just moved. Life feels strange, like I’m in many places all at once. Truthfully, the last two months have felt like a lot of stress and a lot of everything has changed. I’ve let my stress level creep up higher and higher, and now I’m treading water in a place that’s a little too deep.
So I started writing my birthday list nearly a month ago, adding bit by bit, thinking about what I’ve done in the last year. But I dragged my feet in putting it up here. This one feels both monumental, but also…...not. I think, this is a big deal, and also I think, I feel the same. As of last Wednesday, I’m living in a new decade.
Last year looked like:
So I started writing my birthday list nearly a month ago, adding bit by bit, thinking about what I’ve done in the last year. But I dragged my feet in putting it up here. This one feels both monumental, but also…...not. I think, this is a big deal, and also I think, I feel the same. As of last Wednesday, I’m living in a new decade.
Last year looked like:
run another half marathonplan personal, creative projectsfill a notebook(try several notebooks!)streamline and actually implement workflow processing *productivity nerd alert*- start making homemade snacks every week
grocery shopping → bike (with some spankin’ new panniers!)(until a pannier got stolen, wah)- participate in one bike activity (volunteer, hang out, ride, class, etc.)
plan a spring-time adventure trip with Jacob (maybe probably here?)(Istanbul! Prague!)- stop comparing myself to everyone else
- read more fiction (goal: five novels) (somehow I only read one. sheesh!)
build a bike-friendly (minimalist) wardrobe- more cooking on the weekends/less cooking on weekdays
- make at least one pie each month
- can something (jam, tomatoes, apples, etc.)
continue buying investment clothing- watch a few classic films (that I haven’t seen)
complain lessgrow more plants (to eat & to enjoy)- sew or knit ONE THING to put on my body
give natural deodorant the college try- write letter(s) one day each month (just one!)
create a meal-planning system and stick to it (this is my current inspiration)BE DEBT-FREEmake this other blog into a thing I like/love/enjoy(or just delete it and turn it into a personal bizness website. HA!)- sew a set of cloth napkins + a tablecloth
- really really really get rid of plastic ziplock bags (and plastic takeout containers)
listen to one book on tapebe kinder to + less critical of everyone around me (esp. the ones that I love)- be confident
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
lessons.
For someone who lives for perpetual efficiency and self-improvement, it’s hard for me to make peace with the fact that life is basically about learning the same freaking lessons over and over again. Through every stage of life, you forget and you re-learn. It’s infuriating, but I guess it’s also human.
I’m coming up on a big birthday. It feels important, but in the context of everything else happening and changing, it feels like a blip that will come and go. And I’ve never been one for wild celebrations, especially not when I’m the center of attention. My current plan to ring in the big 3-0? Fresh flowers, take-out fried chicken, and a bottle of Prosecco (and hanging out with my manfriend-for-life). And the actual day will be bookend-ed by a flood of visitors, old friends who make me feel like myself, and that’s something to celebrate.
So I’m working on my birthday list*. I’m feeling pleased with my progress on last year. I started writing my new list before I looked back at this last year’s list, and I’m also feeling a little surprised/not surprised by how many things are coming back around again. I may be resolving to BE CONFIDENT until the end of time, or at least until I’m 100, after which I won’t care. But I think that’s good, actually. It’s good to see myself as I am and as I want to be, to see my own strengths and weaknesses clearly.
So I'm just working, learning lessons, thinking/overthinking on life, and listening to the wild chorus of end-of-summer cicadas just outside my window.
Also, I’m eating frogs today like a boss.
*Birthday lists gone by: 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011.
I’m coming up on a big birthday. It feels important, but in the context of everything else happening and changing, it feels like a blip that will come and go. And I’ve never been one for wild celebrations, especially not when I’m the center of attention. My current plan to ring in the big 3-0? Fresh flowers, take-out fried chicken, and a bottle of Prosecco (and hanging out with my manfriend-for-life). And the actual day will be bookend-ed by a flood of visitors, old friends who make me feel like myself, and that’s something to celebrate.
So I’m working on my birthday list*. I’m feeling pleased with my progress on last year. I started writing my new list before I looked back at this last year’s list, and I’m also feeling a little surprised/not surprised by how many things are coming back around again. I may be resolving to BE CONFIDENT until the end of time, or at least until I’m 100, after which I won’t care. But I think that’s good, actually. It’s good to see myself as I am and as I want to be, to see my own strengths and weaknesses clearly.
So I'm just working, learning lessons, thinking/overthinking on life, and listening to the wild chorus of end-of-summer cicadas just outside my window.
Also, I’m eating frogs today like a boss.
*Birthday lists gone by: 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
things-to-figure-out.
I’ve been putting off an update here because the longer time stretches and the more that happens, the more I lose sight of why I come back here. It starts to feel like this space is impossibly far away from my actual life. I’ve been living some sort of fairyland-crazy life the past few months. I’ve felt trapped beneath a mountain of work (with no end in sight), meanwhile there’s been a parade of friends and family and good food and beaches and moving to a new city full of new adventures.
I don’t feel just one thing. I feel everything. J and I were talking about the emotional life of characters (after a play we saw last weekend), and he said that actors have to channel the fact that humans are feeling a constant, tumbling flood of emotions. You aren’t just HAPPY or ANGRY. From second to second, different emotions are flowing through you, and every so often one emotion lands and sticks a bit longer. Good actors bring this emotional depth to their performances. Good humans (like me) acknowledge that we’re feeling a lot of things all the time.
I’m sitting in my living room right now in our (new) little corner of Chicago, as of three weeks ago. The sky is blue, there’s a tree outside this window, and a warm fall breeze is blowing. I can see the Sears Tower (I mean the Willis Tower). We don’t have a coffee table yet, so there’s nowhere to put my feet up. I’m sitting on the ugly-but-comfortable couch smelling a plum cake that I just pulled out of the oven.
There’s a lot going on right now. My to do list feels endless. Beside the things-to-do, there are things-to-figure-out. WEDDING. Finding freelance work. Finding friends in a new city. A project for the first actual class I’ve taken in seven years.
I don’t feel just one thing. I feel everything. J and I were talking about the emotional life of characters (after a play we saw last weekend), and he said that actors have to channel the fact that humans are feeling a constant, tumbling flood of emotions. You aren’t just HAPPY or ANGRY. From second to second, different emotions are flowing through you, and every so often one emotion lands and sticks a bit longer. Good actors bring this emotional depth to their performances. Good humans (like me) acknowledge that we’re feeling a lot of things all the time.
I’m sitting in my living room right now in our (new) little corner of Chicago, as of three weeks ago. The sky is blue, there’s a tree outside this window, and a warm fall breeze is blowing. I can see the Sears Tower (I mean the Willis Tower). We don’t have a coffee table yet, so there’s nowhere to put my feet up. I’m sitting on the ugly-but-comfortable couch smelling a plum cake that I just pulled out of the oven.
There’s a lot going on right now. My to do list feels endless. Beside the things-to-do, there are things-to-figure-out. WEDDING. Finding freelance work. Finding friends in a new city. A project for the first actual class I’ve taken in seven years.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
decision fatigue, etc.
I just automatically went through at least half a dozen steps. I opened up the link to my blog and signed in. I opened Google Drive and clicked on the folder where I keep daily writing and rambling. I opened a blank document. I named it 2aug2015. And all of the sudden I couldn’t even remember what I was doing or why. But I just came back to myself and remembered: OH YES, I’m writing.
I was thinking today about how the weight of making decisions is exhausting. It leaves me feeling drained the same way that talking to too many people drains me. Decision fatigue - actually, I’m certain that’s a thing. I think I read somewhere recently that you can be more productive if you eliminate unnecessary decisions. You can do things like wear the same outfit/style every day, or make the same breakfast every morning. Eliminating those choices gives you a little more capacity for making other decisions. And I think I understand that. For example, I love thinking about what to make for dinner, but if I’m overwhelmed in other areas of life, I just...can’t. I can make beans and rice or fried eggs on toast or I can order pizza. So while information and work are infinite, our decision making brains are not.
I read an article this morning from the New York Times blog about how walking in nature changes our brains. “Most of us today live in cities and spend far less time outside in green, natural spaces than people did several generations ago. City dwellers also have a higher risk for anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses than people living outside urban centers, studies show.” Yikes. It always floors me that simple physical activities can have such an influence over the mental and emotional state, something that seems so mysterious to me.
I was thinking today about how the weight of making decisions is exhausting. It leaves me feeling drained the same way that talking to too many people drains me. Decision fatigue - actually, I’m certain that’s a thing. I think I read somewhere recently that you can be more productive if you eliminate unnecessary decisions. You can do things like wear the same outfit/style every day, or make the same breakfast every morning. Eliminating those choices gives you a little more capacity for making other decisions. And I think I understand that. For example, I love thinking about what to make for dinner, but if I’m overwhelmed in other areas of life, I just...can’t. I can make beans and rice or fried eggs on toast or I can order pizza. So while information and work are infinite, our decision making brains are not.
I read an article this morning from the New York Times blog about how walking in nature changes our brains. “Most of us today live in cities and spend far less time outside in green, natural spaces than people did several generations ago. City dwellers also have a higher risk for anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses than people living outside urban centers, studies show.” Yikes. It always floors me that simple physical activities can have such an influence over the mental and emotional state, something that seems so mysterious to me.
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