this is the place for that!

It’s 4:30AM, and I don’t want to be awake, but here we are. What can I do? Nothing. I’m awake, and I know very well that sweating the lack of sleep does nothing (good) for me. So I’m up, laying on the couch, typing on the computer, beneath the glow of the Christmas lights we hung up months ago that are still encircling the window in the living room. Rat (the cat!) is sitting on the chair the next to me, trying to understand if it’s breakfast time or if he should go back to sleep.

I have had so much on my mind lately. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things, big and small. I don’t/wouldn’t even know where to begin, but I’ve got the urge to document some thoughts. And in a crystal clear insomnia-induced moment, I thought: this is the place for that!

So, hello. Hello? I don’t know. I haven’t blogged really in a few years--a few posts here or there, but not really. I used to do it all the time. I remember when I first started, that strange and fraught year I lived in Medford. Working all the time at jobs I hated, a new relationship (newly long-distance), no money no money no money worried about money all the time. I was just beginning to own my thoughts, to express opinions. It sounds strange to say it, but that was something new for me then. It was stressful, to say the least. I don't know if I was very good at it. I had a lot of sleepless nights that year, and I can remember sitting up in my poorly lit bedroom, writing and writing and writing. I also burned a lot of midnight oil that year searching for medical studies I could sign up for to make more money, but that’s a story for another day.

once a year.

Where do I begin? Poor neglected blog. My writing has wound itself in so many directions, and somehow this spot didn’t feel as necessary any more. I’ve allowed myself some single-minded focus, much needed I think, but here is the consequence. Saying yes to some things (whole-heartedly!) means saying no to others, inevitably.

Nearly a month ago now my birthday came. It was a simple day, which suits me. Jacob and I wandered around nearby Andersonville for most of the day. It was hot, so we ducked in and out of shops and drank iced coffee and shared a sandwich. We got dinner that night at Band of Bohemia where I tasted each and every beer. It was perfect as far as I can tell.

hopeful and fearful.

I feel compelled to say something. What? I haven’t been here in ages (or months, more literally). I lost my way a bit with my writing. I took a class this fall, and wrote some things, and was fired up for more, and then it petered out when the class ended. I’m still writing in the mornings, though not as consistently as I have been.

When I feel caged, mostly by myself, I get the urge to come back here. It’s such a silly thing, my self-imposed trap. I work to make money and let days blur one into the other. There is more, you know. How often do you wish to distract yourself?

I’m not much for resolutions, but I do like to think about goals and intentions. I’ll try harder to read more this year. I’m planning to keep a more careful fitness log because I’m going to run a marathon. I’m craving deliberateness and intentionality.

The sun is shining bright in Chicago this morning. I woke up at 6AM, and lingered in the half-awake and half-asleep place for another two hours. I dreamed up scenes from something I might write. When I woke up, Jacob juiced a grapefruit, and I drank the juice.

It’s the new year! It feels hopeful and fearful, right?

birthday like this.

I meant to come back here last Friday to post this list, but the day/weekend got swept away into a last-minute trip and the craziness of life. My birthday came and went. Here I am now, trying my best, year after year, six years counting.

Last year, I decided to live valiantly (whatever that means), and it looked like this:

1. run my 3rd half marathon AND/OR a marathon
2. make a biking friend in Chicago
3. finish writing two essays and submit one (one essay completed)
4. build a freelance business
5. make homemade Christmas gifts
6. GET MARRIED
7. commit to meal planning & stick to the eating out budget (eek)
8. read 30 books
9. sew one piece of clothing (the fabric is sitting on my table right now)
10. practice meditation
11. assume the best in people (sometimes)
12. purchase five high-quality pieces of clothing (one down)
13. actively worry less (trying)
14. stick with YNAB for a full year
15. keep criticism to myself
16. join a book club and/or writer’s group
17. plan a month-long trip next summer
18. learn new things
19. help Jake’s family tap the maple trees
20. knit a new winter hat
21. go on a roadtrip
22. practice chit-chatting strangers
23. canning! to include: tomatoes, salsa, jam & apples (for now)
24. finish two courses towards a Nonprofit Management Certificate
25. stick to the ‘no phone in bed’ rule (sort of)
26. say what I think (or write it)
27. make a nature journal
28. make yogurt
29. find a place to volunteer
30. be confident (also, trying)

here are some things.

My cat is screaming in my face right now. SCREAMING. His hungry little eyes are staring deep into my soul, like maybe today will be the day that I don’t feed him. Even though, every day for many years now, I’ve always fed him.

Twice today I saw a big man with a small dog (different men, different dogs). I’ve been thinking about dogs a lot lately, because.........well, because both J and I are suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to have one. Isn’t it a strange but wonderful thing? We bring these furry tame little creatures into our homes and we love the shit out of them. They aren’t people, they don’t speak, who knows what they think or feel, but in their way, they love us back. And it’s kind of unconditional, or based on very simple demands (food!). I think it’s good to have that kind of love in your life.

It’s Thursday, which means two things: nachos and TV. I honestly can’t remember the last Thursday night that didn’t involve the magical, Thursdays-only fried chicken nachos. It’s a real weakness at this point in my life. Also, that show is reeeeeeeeeeeal good and tonight we’re watching the season finale.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I get weird about it, sometimes. I overthink--most days, but especially on my birthday. I mean, it’s just the day I WAS BORN. What’s the big deal?

I’ve been trying to incorporate more small luxuries into my life, ala The Artist’s Way. It’s surprisingly hard work for this Midwestern-hearty aesthete with loads of guilt. LUXURY?! WTF?! But it’s good. I’m trying to give some of it to myself for my birthday, a few small luxuries. It started with buying two books that I didn’t need, but wanted. Tomorrow, I’m intending to buy a ridiculously overpriced coffee drink. I’m going to march into Whole Foods and buy myself a treat--ANYTHING I WANT. In J’s words, I really know how to live. And I’ll be back tomorrow, birthday-list-style.