this is the place for that!

It’s 4:30AM, and I don’t want to be awake, but here we are. What can I do? Nothing. I’m awake, and I know very well that sweating the lack of sleep does nothing (good) for me. So I’m up, laying on the couch, typing on the computer, beneath the glow of the Christmas lights we hung up months ago that are still encircling the window in the living room. Rat (the cat!) is sitting on the chair the next to me, trying to understand if it’s breakfast time or if he should go back to sleep.

I have had so much on my mind lately. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things, big and small. I don’t/wouldn’t even know where to begin, but I’ve got the urge to document some thoughts. And in a crystal clear insomnia-induced moment, I thought: this is the place for that!

So, hello. Hello? I don’t know. I haven’t blogged really in a few years--a few posts here or there, but not really. I used to do it all the time. I remember when I first started, that strange and fraught year I lived in Medford. Working all the time at jobs I hated, a new relationship (newly long-distance), no money no money no money worried about money all the time. I was just beginning to own my thoughts, to express opinions. It sounds strange to say it, but that was something new for me then. It was stressful, to say the least. I don't know if I was very good at it. I had a lot of sleepless nights that year, and I can remember sitting up in my poorly lit bedroom, writing and writing and writing. I also burned a lot of midnight oil that year searching for medical studies I could sign up for to make more money, but that’s a story for another day.

I write every day still, but mostly to clear my head. I fill these Moleskine notebooks up. When I’m humming along, consistent, it’s a notebook full every month or two. I wonder sometimes what I get out of it, and I can’t say exactly. I keep meaning to read them, even just one or two, just to see--what did I have to say? But I haven’t done it, so I just keep plugging along, writing in a way that literally feels like scraping the garbage out of my brain each morning so I can get on with my day.

Like I said, I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I’ve been thinking on many fronts about how we choose to live our lives. I’ve been thinking about money and class. I’ve been thinking about ideologies I identify with and how they’re (often) not inclusive. I’ve been thinking about race. I’ve been thinking about our bodies, how we take care of them, and (not to get too bleak on ya) what is the point of it all. I think this exact phrase often, all the time: TO WHAT END? I think that about everything all the time sometimes.

I talked to a really dear friend last night (hi!). She said something about an essay I wrote last fall that I had shared with her (and, to be honest, no one else). She said my writing was universal in its specificity. She also said it was beautiful, and when she said that, I wanted to cry, even though I just said thanks in the way that we do (us who are bad at accepting compliments). Writing like that is such a deep and true part of me. I miss it. Of course, the irony is that I spend literally all day writing for work, but as much as I appreciate that I make a living on writing, that writing has nothing to do with who I am as a writer (unless you count my very specific/stubborn feelings on grammar and word choice).

Well anyway, I got out of bed and picked up my computer in the dark and plugged in the Christmas lights and started typing because I wanted to say something about the way I’ve been eating for the last month. I have a lot (a lot, a lot, a lot, a lot) of thoughts and feelings about this. But it’s on my mind because I have a stomach ache right now because of what I ate before bed (probably why I’m awake, duh). More than a month ago, that wouldn’t have been that uncommon, but in the light of the last month, it feels strange to feel bad because of what I ate.

A little over a month ago, I read The Way We Eat by Peter Singer. It affected me profoundly. I don’t want to get/be preachy about it, but I want to say this much: every argument he makes in this book was compelling for me. By the end, I was firmly convinced that cutting animal products out of my diet was the most ethical of the choices available to me right now. I have so much more to say about this! Maybe I’ll keep blogging, and I’ll tell you everything I think. Maybe! But for now, I’ll just say: I’ve long held many of these beliefs. Hell, I became a vegetarian when I was 13 years old, and I stuck with it for almost a decade. But over the last ten years, I’ve allowed myself to think less deliberately about what I was eating. And in the last year, especially while training for a marathon, I started to slip into the mainstream fitness culture diet. I started eating a lot of chicken and consuming a lot of dairy products. In the month before the marathon last fall, I even started drinking milk again - something I hadn’t done since I was a teenager.

Anyway, long story short, for the last month, I’ve been eating a vegan/plant-based/whatever you want to call it diet. I’ve never eaten this way before for any stretch of time. And holy shit, folks, I have never felt so good. My body just feels good. I have so much energy. I’m excited to eat all the time. After I eat, my body is like: thank you for feeding me! instead of like: oh my god why did you do that do me? My digestive system (TMI?) is humming along like a champ. Foods that I used to think gave me trouble just don’t anymore (tomatoes! onions! peppers! spicy things! it's all good!).

Last night, right before bed, I ate two pieces of pie (because pi day, duh!). The pie was vegan, but just not the sort of thing I’ve been eating lately - super high in fat and sugar and not much nutritional value. And now, I’m here with a stomach ache. Hey! Food has a huge effect on how we feel! I’ve always known this, but suddenly the dots are connected for me. I understand. A new world opened up to me this last month.

I’m positive that the way I eat will continue to change and evolve, because that’s how life works. I don't want to be dogmatic or live a life that feels like deprivation. Also, I firmly believe bodies are different, and we each gotta find our own path and learn to listen to our bodies. Intuition! It’s a thing. Our bodies have a lot of wisdom in them. That sounds woo-woo, but I do believe it. Here’s what I want to say: I feel so grateful for what I’ve learned this last month about how much food can be a positive, empowering, energy-giving force in my life.

Alright dear reader friends (yes? hello?). We're firmly in early morning territory, and I’m thinking maybe, maybe, maybe if I close my eyes, I might sleep for an hour or so before it’s time to start the day. This was nice, right? I didn’t realize how much I missed blogging the way I used to. The old school (skool?) blogging, without beautiful edited content and a brand and etc. etc. etc. Just thoughts, on a page, that you want to share with a few people. I think I’ll come back (if nothing else, because I have way more thoughts brewing on the food/eating/nutrition front).

Goodnight! Good morning! Keep living right! Keep thinking thoughts! I’ll be back!