writing the details.

It’s so easy to feel like we aren’t getting anywhere. The routine of daily life erodes awareness, and when the details are lost, it starts to feel like treading water. My antidote is to write things down. Write whatever you want, whenever and wherever and however you want. It doesn’t matter the means, only the act of capturing details. A few minutes spent looking over the things I wrote yesterday, a year ago, five years ago, and suddenly I’m swept away with it all - the vastness of life and all that has flowed through my own.

I’m here to say that I had an excellent week. I caught myself thinking it in the background often: I’m having a great week! I was filled with hope and excitement and ambition in a way I haven’t felt in quite awhile. And do you know what the secret freaking sauce is to this great week? WRITING (and other things, but especially writing). More generally, I did the things that fill me up. I went for lots of early morning runs and felt both tired and strong. I read. I actively avoided multi-tasking while at work, and created the space to work on tasks more deeply. And I made an intentional space for writing (with a new writing partner!). I hauled my butt across the city just to write, and there was definitely some magic in that.

I’ve been longing to write again, on the blog, like I used to do years ago. I’ve tried so many times to restart over the past three years, and I just haven't been able to make it stick. I was just thinking this morning about how it feels like all the times I tried to quit smoking. The shame creeps up around your shoulders and neck and ears, and you can’t tell anyone you’re quitting (again) because you can’t take the eye rolls and patronizing OKs. Except when it comes to writing, the eye rolls and patronizing comes from the monkey mind inside my own head.

this is the place for that!

It’s 4:30AM, and I don’t want to be awake, but here we are. What can I do? Nothing. I’m awake, and I know very well that sweating the lack of sleep does nothing (good) for me. So I’m up, laying on the couch, typing on the computer, beneath the glow of the Christmas lights we hung up months ago that are still encircling the window in the living room. Rat (the cat!) is sitting on the chair the next to me, trying to understand if it’s breakfast time or if he should go back to sleep.

I have had so much on my mind lately. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things, big and small. I don’t/wouldn’t even know where to begin, but I’ve got the urge to document some thoughts. And in a crystal clear insomnia-induced moment, I thought: this is the place for that!

So, hello. Hello? I don’t know. I haven’t blogged really in a few years--a few posts here or there, but not really. I used to do it all the time. I remember when I first started, that strange and fraught year I lived in Medford. Working all the time at jobs I hated, a new relationship (newly long-distance), no money no money no money worried about money all the time. I was just beginning to own my thoughts, to express opinions. It sounds strange to say it, but that was something new for me then. It was stressful, to say the least. I don't know if I was very good at it. I had a lot of sleepless nights that year, and I can remember sitting up in my poorly lit bedroom, writing and writing and writing. I also burned a lot of midnight oil that year searching for medical studies I could sign up for to make more money, but that’s a story for another day.

once a year.

Where do I begin? Poor neglected blog. My writing has wound itself in so many directions, and somehow this spot didn’t feel as necessary any more. I’ve allowed myself some single-minded focus, much needed I think, but here is the consequence. Saying yes to some things (whole-heartedly!) means saying no to others, inevitably.

Nearly a month ago now my birthday came. It was a simple day, which suits me. Jacob and I wandered around nearby Andersonville for most of the day. It was hot, so we ducked in and out of shops and drank iced coffee and shared a sandwich. We got dinner that night at Band of Bohemia where I tasted each and every beer. It was perfect as far as I can tell.

hopeful and fearful.

I feel compelled to say something. What? I haven’t been here in ages (or months, more literally). I lost my way a bit with my writing. I took a class this fall, and wrote some things, and was fired up for more, and then it petered out when the class ended. I’m still writing in the mornings, though not as consistently as I have been.

When I feel caged, mostly by myself, I get the urge to come back here. It’s such a silly thing, my self-imposed trap. I work to make money and let days blur one into the other. There is more, you know. How often do you wish to distract yourself?

I’m not much for resolutions, but I do like to think about goals and intentions. I’ll try harder to read more this year. I’m planning to keep a more careful fitness log because I’m going to run a marathon. I’m craving deliberateness and intentionality.

The sun is shining bright in Chicago this morning. I woke up at 6AM, and lingered in the half-awake and half-asleep place for another two hours. I dreamed up scenes from something I might write. When I woke up, Jacob juiced a grapefruit, and I drank the juice.

It’s the new year! It feels hopeful and fearful, right?

birthday like this.

I meant to come back here last Friday to post this list, but the day/weekend got swept away into a last-minute trip and the craziness of life. My birthday came and went. Here I am now, trying my best, year after year, six years counting.

Last year, I decided to live valiantly (whatever that means), and it looked like this:

1. run my 3rd half marathon AND/OR a marathon
2. make a biking friend in Chicago
3. finish writing two essays and submit one (one essay completed)
4. build a freelance business
5. make homemade Christmas gifts
6. GET MARRIED
7. commit to meal planning & stick to the eating out budget (eek)
8. read 30 books
9. sew one piece of clothing (the fabric is sitting on my table right now)
10. practice meditation
11. assume the best in people (sometimes)
12. purchase five high-quality pieces of clothing (one down)
13. actively worry less (trying)
14. stick with YNAB for a full year
15. keep criticism to myself
16. join a book club and/or writer’s group
17. plan a month-long trip next summer
18. learn new things
19. help Jake’s family tap the maple trees
20. knit a new winter hat
21. go on a roadtrip
22. practice chit-chatting strangers
23. canning! to include: tomatoes, salsa, jam & apples (for now)
24. finish two courses towards a Nonprofit Management Certificate
25. stick to the ‘no phone in bed’ rule (sort of)
26. say what I think (or write it)
27. make a nature journal
28. make yogurt
29. find a place to volunteer
30. be confident (also, trying)