knot.

I’m sitting with a complicated knot of emotions today, and for no particular reason. Just living life, going to work, making decisions, carrying responsibilities. This knot of emotions gave me the urge to drop everything and make something which gave me the urge to sit down and organize all my scattered lists and notes of things to read and listen to and do.

But instead of clearing the path first, I’m just plowing ahead.

I actually literally cleared a path once, by myself. Years ago, the first year I lived on Cape Cod, I did conservation work with the Town of Provincetown a few days each week. One of my projects during that year was working a small plot of land called Nicky’s Park. I built some benches and installed them. I built a sign and installed it. And I cleared the small loop trail. It had already been worn down to a single track footpath, so step by step, I walked it with a shovel and a loppers and dug out roots and trimmed the dangling thorny vines.

The park wasn’t very accessible. There wasn't parking, and it was hidden off a less-traveled road. The loop was a short walk. There was a pond. I was mostly there alone.

I haven’t thought about that spot in a long time. This was before the time of always having headphones and music with me, so I spent plenty of time in my own head there. I did a lot of becoming that year. Becoming myself. It was thrilling and uncomfortable.

For how rational a person I am, it’s wild to think of how many decisions I’ve made in my life based on a gut feeling. Or knots of feelings, needing to be untied.

I’m planning some trips right now, plus a little camping excursion this weekend. It feels good. It’s been too long since I traveled for the sake of adventure. Money and obligations always seem to catch up to me first.

And finally, despite the vegetable + egg dinner I had planned, my quick stop at the grocery store resulted in Cracklin’ Oat Bran + soymilk. So that was dinner. I ate it while I told myself, There are worse guilty pleasure foods than Cracklin’ Oat Bran.

The daily grind can feel heavy some days. But there are wonderful things on the horizon, and right here within in my grasp. Plans and projects and feelings left to be tied and untied.

If you know what I mean, this album is exactly the soundtrack for an evening like this.