(#1) it is time to find my voice.

For the last several weeks, I’ve been writing here somewhat stream-of-conscious. Not exactly so, but I’ve been writing fairly unedited, writing it and pushing the publish button all within the space of 15 or 20 minutes. In fact, I have almost always written that way in this space. My intention has not been to write on particular topics, or on a certain schedule, or to amass hundreds (or dozens) of readers. My goal has always been simply to make myself show up, to shake off my monkey brain, and to write hard.

Which is why the last five posts of this year will feel a bit strange to me - but I think they're right. 

The little ambition that I set at the beginning of this month (my invisible-to-you goal) was to top 50 posts here this year. The first two years of this space, I hit 49 posts. Last year I squeaked in at a dismal 29 posts. Considering that the challenge is not the time it takes to write (remember, 15 or 20 minutes), it was so disappointing to see that I could barely average two posts each month last year. 

This year has been slow as well. Not much more than one post each month. In September, with the fire and passion of setting birthday goals, I hung up a calendar reminding myself to write every day. I have not been writing every day, but I have diligently checked the boxes when I do write, down to this very day. So at the beginning of this month, I made it my goal to come roaring back into this space and to log more than 50 posts for 2014. It’s arbitrary, of course, but what isn’t? And really, it’s all a mental game. I wanted to prove that more than three years after I told myself, I KNOW I SHOULD DO IT, I was still doing it.

The last five posts of this year will be five reflections, five lessons, five things-I-thought-about that I want to carry with me into the next year. I’m writing them all at once and scheduling them to appear one by one until we ring in 2015. There are other goals this year that I will not reach. I told myself I’d read 24 books this year, but I’m coming in at 21 books as of last night, and I have other priorities for the next few days. It’s ok. In this world that I frame around myself, I can decide when accomplishment is important and when just trying is what really matters.

Now let me tell you my first reflection of 2014:

It is time to find my voice.

I’ve written before about how changeable I find myself. I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember, quick to shift opinions, likes, dislikes, or habits to match those around me. I see this carry through in my writing, particularly in the shape my voice takes. I spend an awful lot of time thinking about whom I want to write like. I can’t decide: am I silly? am I serious? do I think about social issues? do I think about art? do I write to inspire? do I write to educate?

From day to day, I find myself wishing I was writing that other blog or this book or that piece. I can’t decide who I want to be like because I still struggle, day after day, to know who I am. I struggle to pull off layer after layer to find my actual core. I absolutely expect (and want) to be influenced by relationships and other artists, but I can only incorporate those influences if there’s something of myself to be influenced.

One of the benefits of writing a lot, writing and writing and not editing and tossing the terrible in with the good, is that slowly I find pieces of myself. I uncover things that I am passionate about. I form opinions. I hear the sound of my voice and know that it will sound the same no matter the audience. That is one reason to keep doing this, even when it feels completely pointless.

I began 2014 intending to be intrepid, a reminder to be fearless (which is no small task for a very fearful person). In 2015, I am planning to be myself. Incidentally, that includes some work ahead so that I can recognize myself - and so that I can hear my own voice.