(#4) this is a cycle.

Last spring, I found myself overwhelmed. My workload felt unmanageable, there was drama, both personal and professional, and on top of it all, J and I made the impulse decision to move (only a few blocks, but still).

I slipped, slowly but steadily. I found myself ordering pizza more nights than I care to admit. I started drinking Diet Coke during the workday, making me feel both amped up and able to work, but also anxious and like…...shit. I didn’t run. I watched TV when I got home at night. I felt like I wasn’t in control, or like I could only manage all of the chaos by abandoning all of the self-care that makes me feel good. And of course, mixed in with all of those feelings was pure guilt. Why couldn’t I manage the stress? Why couldn’t I whip myself into shape again?

But in a blur, the summer came. We moved into our new apartment. Work quieted down. I started riding my bike every day and training for a half marathon and eating salads at night. I stopped with the Diet Coke.

And this year, finally, through either age or experience, I learned that it’s ok.

This is a cycle.

All of it is a cycle. Life, hope, commitment, struggle, balance, peace, ALL OF IT. We can do our best, each of us, and that looks different for every person each day. And the drama of my spring is really inconsequential in the grander scheme. Greater struggles will come in my life, I know that they will. Greater loss, greater challenge, more juggling, more stress. But also more hope, more life, more experience.

I can do my best and no more. The weight of guilt won’t get me anywhere.